cut the shit.

i've wrote about this question before and i still haven't obviously came up with an answer to it. what EXACTLY makes my mom seem to think she has ANY influence on where i end up in life. she obviously doesn't care about me.. how she held me up in front of my dad to block him from kicking her comes to mind. she also was complaining about having to look after me when i was in a wheelchair and my grandma tried to make her stay home with me on the weekend instead of going out to the bar to play pool. i didn't even come to her house every damn weekend- it was just every other weekend. she couldn't even stay home with me for that time. that's why my grandma eventually came into town to my mom's old apartment inside the apartment my grandma owned (she inherited it from my grandpa's death) before it was basically taken away from her because of eminent domain. she obviously didn't care about me then and the ONLY reason why she took care of me after the car accident i was in was because my grandma blackmailed her into doing it. so save the bullshit jessiy. i'm not as stupid as you think. I am a person too! i have a life too.. i didn't bust my ass in rehab. and school, later on college, and a few jobs JUST to remain my mom's crutch. she's never even came to me for anything in the first place (probably because grandma told me she threatened my mom if she ever stole from me when my grandma was dead- she'd regret it.. seeing as my mom has a history of stealing from her own kids when she stole a bunch of money from my brother). if people don't understand why i have absolutely NO desire to stay around my mom- you're a jackass who doesn't have respect for me. that goes for amanda too. MY GRANDMA DIDN'T ASK YOU TO HELP ME TAKE CARE OF MY EMOTIONALLY IMMATURE MOTHER AND ENABLE HER TO HELP ME GET RID OF MY GOALS. seeing as you have zero respect for me and you obviously don't care about me so you're not even trying to help ME get where I want to live in life because this is MY life.. NOT MY DAMN MOM'S. just because you figure your life will be easier if you don't lend me help to be truly successful the way I want because this is MY life. nobody has to deal with the consequences but ME. if you actually cared about me- you'd have my mental health in mind as well since you try to make it seem like you have my physical health in mind by encouraging me to throw more years of my life away at courage kenny. i wouldn't feel truly happy (my mental health) if i would be stuck just living my life to what other people want for me because they think it'll make them appear "caring" and "loving" to other people by attending some renowned ridiculous excuse of a "rehabilitation facility" (courage kenny) which ignores clients who lack advocacy and caring people in their lives who support them to be TRULY happy. if i would get stuck living here- i can promise you that i'd go out of my way to make my family (except for joe and jay)'s lives living hells. i have the capability. i know what makes EVERY one of you tick.. PLUS! I'D HAVE THE TIME TO DO IT SEEING AS I DON'T HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO DO MUCH ELSE WHEN I'M IN THIS PARTICULAR STATE! (the furthest i've managed to get is volunteering at a community center which is good to start out and get experience.. but i'd like more hours and to actually get compensated for it because i've found other jobs who are actually interested in hiring me where they will actually compensate me but then i keep in mind how my therapist told me they're a non-profit company.. so really no one that works there gets paid- so why should i? i'm sure every other person who works there has way MORE experience than i do working there.. i enjoy helping people and interacting with them though- so this is a great place to do those things) i'm sure my mom would be too afraid to go there.. so that also increased my interest. which is one of the reasons why i've always got a place in the city (because my mom is afraid of cities). unless.. amanda convinced my mom to talk me into staying in this stupid ass state without opportunities for me. amanda obviously doesn't care about me enough to take my goals and feelings into consideration. so she figures if my mom distracts me from moving and/or acts like she wants me to stay in this state since she's my mom and she HAS to love me (since amanda assumes just because her mom loves and cares for her- mine MUST also! what she failed to acknowledge was how my mom held me up in front of my dad while he was kicking her and she showed me absolutely NO concern if it didn't benefit her in the long run.. proof of that shitty parenting is how i've had to have TWO surgeries on my bowel because of my dad's foot causing it damage because of my mom's selfish ass using ME as a shield while he was kicking her.. ANY CARING MOTHER WOULD'VE TRIED TO PROTECT THEIR CHILD AND REMOVE THEM FROM THE SITUATION IF THEIR DAD WAS DRUNK AND VIOLENT). you ain't getting away with this shit by me. NOBODY HAD TO BE CUT OPEN TWICE BECAUSE THEIR MOM WAS SELFISHLY AFRAID AND USED THEIR BODIES TO BLOCK THEIR DAD FROM KICKING THEM. i've had NUMEROUS dreams reminiscing this shitty ass parenting and i remember my grandma saying that the doctors asked her when i was having surgery on my perforrated bowel if i had been in any accidents or anything that caused me damage to my stomach and she said that she didn't tell them about how i accidentally got kicked by my dad. i'm pretty sure that was the cause of my grandpa chasing my dad to mexico- if i remember right. my mom plays victim well.. or at least she thinks she does- so i'm sure she got my grandpa pissed off at my dad. so along with having to live life without a father.. she caused me to have TWO surgeries (so far).. she just feels like she can only play a "caring mom" whenever it's convenient for her. OH! I FORGOT THE PTSD SHE GAVE ME! I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT SHIT. SHE DOES NOT HAVE ANY INFLUENCE ON WHERE I END UP IN LIFE. if any of you people are still taking her side and assuming i should just give up my goals and EVERYTHING i've busted my ass in life to get- YOU'RE ALSO PART OF THE REASON WHY I'M MOVING. my grandma had confidence in me to live in new york.. even after having a tbi.. she KNEW i was capable of it- so i'd have a TRULY HAPPY life. (the only reason why i changed from new york to boston is because they have a clean city with more housing opportunities) amanda doesn't give a damn about me- she just assumes i'm an idiot that'll go along with whatever she says because she assumes i'm stupid like my mom since my mom used to get help from my grandma when she was alive. GUESS WHAT? WE HAVE DIFFERENT BRAIN INJURIES. she has a nuchal chord injury and she should be an actress because she CAN read (she's asked me about stuff i've only mentioned on my blog), i have a traumatic brain injury because i got it from an accident i was in. i asked google if nuchal chord injuries are more severe than traumatic brain injuries and this is what they said: "It is not accurate to say that a traumatic brain injury (TBI) is inherently more severe than a nuchal cord injury, as the severity of both conditions depends entirely on the degree of the initial insult." i KNOW she CAN read everything i say. being lazy is not a symptom of a traumatic brain injury. regardless if your mother tried to coddle you because she felt guilty about the nuchal chord- assuming it was her fault. i wish i had a mom who cared about me that much.. she (MY GRANDMA) respected my goals and acknowledged the hard work i went through to get where i am. she was just naive and overconfident because she put her confidence in someone who didn't care about her or the person she was supposedly promising to help. just because it's NOT your goals and you're not interested in what i am- does NOT mean that it should just be ignored because i'm stupid because i have a brain injury- so i'll eventually do whatever my kewliez ignorant, entitled cousin does and actually supports so she can look good to her in-laws! i've gave courage kenny a chance a few times since my grandma died and *GASP* ABSOLUTELY NO SUPPORT WHEN I WAS WASTING MY TIME AT COURAGE KENNY! you can't even answer the damn phone when the emergency room calls you.. I COULD BE DEAD. it's not convenient for you to care about me. in fact- the ONLY family member who checked on me in the emergency room was JOE (who actually video chatted with me since he couldn't make it to personally come see me). MY MOM (THE CAUSE OF THIS SURGERY) couldn't even come see me- IN FACT- SHE DIDN'T EVEN CALL ME OR ASK HOW I WAS. i've found a way to manage to get this far and i have ABSOLUTELY NO DESIRE TO STOP FOR PEOPLE THAT REALLY DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT ME. screw you mom and amy (my sister). you assholes don't really give a shit about me. you just want me to stay here to make you look like you ACTUALLY give a damn about me and so it's easier for you to copy me even though i'll never live in the same place as you in my whole life again. i'll slit my wrists before i live by either of you again. you're both a bunch of careless assholes.